America, florida, less food-related, out and about

Island of the Lizard People

04.27.11 | Comment?

There is a general misconception among non-Floridians concerning the city of West Palm Beach and the affluence of its residents. The words palm and beach together evoke images of Donald Trump, pearls with Lacoste shirts, and men’s loafers without socks. These are all apt representations of many citizens of Palm Beach but not, however, West Palm Beach. West Palm Beach has been described to me as “Palm Beach’s ghetto,” though one could really say that anything west of Palm Beach is Palm Beach’s ghetto.

In the first part of my Palm Beach series, join me an John on our little jaunt along the Palm Beach Trail, a walking path that snakes up the west coast of Palm Beach Island.

Being that the west coast of Palm Beach Island is the coast facing the Intracoastal and not the Atlantic ocean, the west coast of Palm Beach is really the beginning of the Palm Beach ghetto.

I mean, look at the size of this plot of land. One could only fit the broom closet here. Only poor people could afford its multi-million dollar price tag.

The rich Palm Beachers, those willing to pay in the hundreds of millions for the homes that are shuttered most of the year, prefer to reside on the east coast of the island, north, but not too north. But we shall investigate the east side later.

Another way you can tell that the west coast is the wild ghetto side is all the wildlife.

There were lizards on the west side. Lizards! The people on the west side are obviously lizard people. How uncivilized.

And to add to the barbarity of it all, there were mating lizards. Honestly reptiles, get one of the twenty bedrooms of an estate on the east side. You’re just degrading yourselves.

But even the west side plebes want their privacy. They do, after all, live on the island and their hard-earned status as Palm Beachers must be respected. Hence, hedges.

It seems silly to me to block one’s waterfront home with tall, thick hedges, given that it blocks ones home from said waterfront view. Isn’t that the point of waterfront property?

The properties come with docks across the trail from the houses, and gates that block off exactly the width of the dock.

Certainly don’t want anyone walking on your dock if they’re not wearing loafers and no socks.

Socks are for the lower classes. As are probably these apartments.

The whole island is groomed to the last blade of grass.

I may sound snobby about snobbery, but it’s so blatant. People can spend their money how they want, it’s not up to me to decide, but it’s so galling to see people hemorrhaging so much money and flashing it so ostentatiously. It reminds me of the lizard flashing his gizzard to attract a mate.

This community is so afraid of outsiders that it not only has a regular police force, but its own private police force. Should a crime occur, one of the police forces has only to raise all the drawbridges, and no one can get on or off the island. I’m surprised they let the drawbridges down at all.

And isn’t that what the American Dream is all about?

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